I was shocked at the profound impact that having a child had on my relationship with my husband. I think we all know it in theory – we know that nothing is going to be the same after we have a baby – but you really have to experience it to grasp how major the change really is.
In my experience, the main way having a child affects your relationship with your partner is that it completely refocuses you on the child. The child becomes your number one priority. In addition, you’re tired and overwhelmed with how demanding taking care of a newborn is, and there’s probably some physical healing going on as well and readjusting to a new body image. Kids have a way of enriching your life, but they also drain you – they use up every bit of energy you have, and sometimes it feels as if nothing is left for you, or for your partner.
Having said that, our marriage did survive raising two kids (they are now 8 and 10 so things are easier), and it’s now stronger than ever. How did we do it? After the initial shock, we came back to our senses and insisted on continuing to invest in our relationship despite the added challenges and the lack of energy.
Here are three tips for preserving your relationship after having a baby:
1. Force yourself to pay attention to your partner. This may sound unromantic, but the reality is that most women really are 100% absorbed in their new baby after giving birth. However, to maintain a healthy relationship with your partner, you need to pay attention to him too. Even if you have to force yourself to do that, at least for the first few months, DO IT. As long as you stay in the habit of talking and communicating with each other, even if it’s a little forced during those first few months, it will be much easier for you to bounce back when the baby gets a little older.
2. Take care of yourself. Make it a priority to eat healthfully, get some basic daily exercise (walking while carrying your baby in a baby carrier is wonderful exercise), insist on taking a daily shower (crying for 5 minutes while mom is taking a shower will not scar your baby for life) and in general make an effort to maintain a sense of “me” rather than allowing yourself to become completely lost in your new role as a mom. Taking care of yourself and feeling good about yourself will make you a better mother, and a better partner.
3. Schedule a weekly date night. Regular date nights are amazing. They force you to dress up and go out even if you’re tired and really don’t feel like it. Of course, once you’re out of the house you’ll likely have a great time. You can go to the movies, to a gallery or a museum, to a nice restaurant – it doesn’t really matter what you do as long as you get to spend time together as a couple and away from the baby.
If you ever feel guilty about redirecting some of your energy away from the baby and towards yourself and your partner, remind yourself that you are doing no one any favors by being a martyr. Your child will greatly benefit from having parents who maintain a good relationship and from having a happy, relaxed mom who knows when she needs some pampering.
Photo by Ann Gordon
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I can’t tell you how important what you’ve just outlined is Vered! I’m now at a stage of my life where most of my friends and co-workers who have children are all separated. My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married for the last 5.
Since the arrival of our daughter 3 years ago, life has become a whirlwind of activity, and even more so with the birth of our son last August. Despite all this, we’ve managed to find little moments here and there to show and share the love we have for one another.
Just last night, I bought flowers for both my wife, and my 3 year old daughter! You should have seen their faces!
I often remember this quote I heard a long time ago, though I’ve forgotten who it was: “Love is first a verb, before it becomes an emotion”. It’s something to live by, and has allowed me to savour every moment of my relationship.
Hi David! It’s very nice to “see” you here on the Baby Bunch blog.
What a beautiful gesture – getting them flowers. So sweet! It’s sometimes difficult to accept that love requires work, but it does. A lot like friendship, actually.