One of the issues that many extended families have to deal with is the issue of gifts from grandparents. It seems like a universal issue that crosses cultures and locations: while the parents are trying to teach their kids responsible consumption and to limit junk food intake, grandparents are all about indulging their grandchildren.

I have recently read an interesting article titled “Indulgent grandparents ‘overfeed’ kids and make them fat, scientists warn.” While a slightly different issue than the issue of gift giving, the two are related – it’s all about the conflict that arises when parents feel that the grandparents ignore their boundaries and spoil their kids.

Looking at my own parents, I sometimes wonder, how is it that the same people who were so adamant about raising me and my brother “right,” making sure we eat healthy food, limiting our TV time and teaching us responsible consumption and the value of saving, are now so into spoiling my children with gifts and sweets? I guess it’s just part of enjoying grand parenthood – you can have fun without the responsibility.

The best way to handle this conflict between parents and grandparents is simply to talk about it openly. There’s no need to throw around accusations: the assumption is that we all love the children and want the best for them. Perhaps an arrangement can be worked out where the grandparents can buy a certain amount of gifts each holiday, or where they can give the kids a certain amount of sweets. In my experience, a good way to approach the subject is by talking about the kids’ health and about the importance of teaching them to save and to consume responsibly.

If nothing helps and the grandparents insist that it’s their right to spoil their grandchildren, I would just accept it. I believe that children are pretty good at recognizing the values that their parents teach them as their core values, and seeing indulgences by the grandparents for what they are – fun indulgences rather than a way of life. So trust yourself to teach your kids the values that are important to you, and let them – and the grandparents – enjoy a special, fun, boundary-free relationship.

Photo by shonna1968

Last week, we said that being a long-distance grandparent isn’t all bad – in fact, there ARE positive aspects to being physically far away from your grandchildren , and especially a better life balance.

Today, I’d like to look at a few ways we can make sure the relationship between our kids and their long-distance grandparents remains close despite the physical distance:

1. Visits. Obviously, if both sides are willing and able – physically and financially – to regularly visit each other, it can make a real difference. In the case of my own family, we typically visit the grandparents for two weeks each summer, and they visit us for two weeks each winter. Those visits are very different than seeing them occasionally when we were still living nearby – they are very concentrated doses of “family,” and despite being emotionally draining at times, they do work well to preserve the relationship.

2. Letters. Sure, these days there are electronic ways to maintain the connection, but old fashioned letters are still special. There’s something unique and personal about a handwritten note, about getting a real letter (as opposed to junk mail) in the mail, opening the envelope, unfolding the letter… it’s a lot like reading a book I think: despite Kindle and the Internet, reading a real book still gives you a very different experience than reading electronically.

3. Email IS great becuase it is so immediate. I think that email makes being a long-distance grandparent easier, becuase you get an immediate connection and conversation with your grandchildren through email, chat and texting.

4. Skype. Skype is just like making a phone call, only better, becuase if you have a camera installed you can actually see each other! My own parents use Skype weekly to keep in touch with my kids. The kids get to show them art projects, new clothes, even loose teeth – Skype is a must-have for any long-distance grandparent.

5. Gifts. Need I say more? This one is obvious – makes both the kids and the grandparents happy – and actually merits a separate post to discuss the issue of managing too-generous gift-giving by grandparents.

Keeping in touch, and making sure the grandparents are always on your childrens’ mind, takes some effort when they live far away. But it can be done – my kids are very attached to their grandparents, and while I sometimes mourn the lack of daily contact with them, I know that they are still an important part of my kids’ childhood.

Photo credit: qole

Being a long-distance grandparent is often painful. I know becuase my own parents are long-distance grandparents, and I know how difficult it is for them to only see their grandchildren twice a year. I think that the older you get, the more aware you are of how fast time goes by, and the more acute the pain of being far away from loved ones.

That’s why I was surprised – and delighted – when my father in law had emailed me this article about the positive aspects of being a long-distance grandparent. I shared it with my parents, who have read it with great interest. The discussion that followed was interesting. As it turns out, there ARE good things about living far away from your grandchildren, although my parents still maintain that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits.

Above all, the article emphasizes – and my parents and in-laws agree – that when you grandparent from far away, it keeps your life in balance and helps you to focus on your own life and your own activities and friends rather than become completely absorbed in your children’s and grandchildren’s lives.

When you’re nearby, it’s more difficult to place boundaries and to say “no” when you’re asked to help. If you have 2 or 3 children living nearby and each of them has 2 or 3 kids, babysitting can easily become a full-time job, causing you to cancel your own plans so that you can watch the grandchildren. As much as spending time with them is great, it IS important that you maintain an active social life, engage in physical activity, and have some time for yourself.

Families are complex. There are never easy solutions. We live in an era where few extended families are living in the same city. In the United States, visiting family often means air travel, or a very long drive. This is our reality, and as a parent I often feel guilty about it. It’s good to know that there IS a silver lining to being a long-distance grandparent.

Next week, we’ll discuss a few tips for staying in touch with grandparents who live far away.

Becoming a grandparent for the first time is no doubt one of life’s most precious experiences. There’s something about being a grandparent, as opposed to being a parent, that really frees you to enjoy the new baby.

Maybe it’s the rich life experience that helps you put things in perspective, or maybe it’s the fact that you don’t have the huge, daunting responsibility of actually raising the child. Whatever it is, many first-time grandparents report that the depth of emotions they have felt when becoming grandparents for the first time was just as intense as when becoming parents, but that there was a lot less stress and worry and significantly more joy.

It’s no coincidence then that as parents grow older, they often start nagging their kids about “giving them a grandchild.” While many young adults feel that it’s selfish on the part of their parents to put that kind of pressure on them, another way to look at it is that many parents are simply worried that by the time they finally become grandparents, they would be too old to enjoy their grandchild – or to be of much help to the young parents.

Indeed, as the average age for marriage slowly creeps up, so does the average age for having children. If previous generations had kids at around 20, that meant you could expect to become a grandparent around the age of 40. But today, many couples are nearly 40 when they have their first child. If their kids will do as they did, they’re not likely to see a grandchild until they’re almost 80.

While there are many advantages to delaying parenting, including emotional maturity and financial stability, the prospect of never enjoying grandparenthood is disturbing to many, simply because most of us realize that being a grandparent is lots of fun. From lavishing gorgeous baby gifts on the new mother, to helping the young parents, to spoiling the grandchildren with toys and candy – being a grandparent is truly a joyous time in one’s life.

Of course, grandparenthood has its own set of challenges too. The biggest one is probably the constant need to balance between helping the young parents, and interfering or meddling. The last thing you want to do is to give unwanted advice. Sure, you’re experienced in child rearing – after all, you’ve raised your own kids – but each generation seems to come up with its own set of parenting beliefs and rules, which are always very different than what the previous generation had done, and of course the new generation always believes they are doing it so much better – so the young parents will never listen to your “old fashioned” advice anyway.

Another common challenge is indulging the grandchildren while respecting the parents’ boundaries. So, if the parents only allow a certain amounts of sweets, you probably want to respect that, or at least to ask the parents’ permission before handing your grandchildren an extra sweet. Same goes for gifts – many parents are trying to teach their kids responsible consumption and need to specifically ask the grandparents to limit the amount of gifts they send to the grandchildren for Christmas. Our advice to you? respect their wishes and maybe find another way to give, such as starting a savings account or donating to a worthy cause in your grandchildren’s names and giving them the certificates.

Being a grandparent is one of the most wonderful experiences that life has to offer. Enjoy every minute of it! As you know all too well, kids grow up incredibly fast.

Photo by Qole Pejorian