She was so happy to see me when I returned from the hospital after giving birth to her sister.
As I entered the room, her face lighted up. We hugged, and I kissed her warm little cheeks. She gave me a wet kiss, then looked at her father, who entered the room after me carrying her newborn sister in the car seat.
“What’s that?” She asked, frowning.
The rest is well documented in our family photo albums, which clearly show that for my firstborn daughter, who was only two years old when her sister was born, the first few months after she became a sister were hard. We did our best to ease the transition, but when I look at the pictures now, I can see the stress in her little face, a cloud of sadness in her eyes. At least part of her joie de vivre was gone for a while. The good news: it came back.
My general approach to parenting is that we should do our best, forget about being perfect or avoiding mistakes, and give ourselves a break. Parenting is hard enough without adding to the stress by reaching for impossible goals. We can’t always make it right for our kids. There will be challenges and hardships, and that’s OK – learning to cope is part of life.
However, since most kids get a sibling while they’re still very young, they do need our help and guidance when learning to cope with their new situation. Here are a few ways to ease the transition:
1. Prepare your firstborn in advance. Like many other major life changes, advance preparation can only go so far, but it’s still better than nothing. Read books together, talk about your growing tummy and the growing baby inside it, encourage role playing, and let your firstborn feel the baby move and “talk” with her.
2. After the baby is born, encourage your firstborn to become your little helper. Establishing your firstborn as big and independent, in contrast to the tiny, helpless newborn, may give him a sense of purpose and pride. On the other hand, if your firstborn resists these efforts and only wants to be babied, you should respect that.
3. Be unapologetic. My own mistake as a new mom to two small children was feeling intense guilt towards my firstborn. I shouldn’t have. Having more than one child is your prerogative, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. Be as natural and unapologetic about the entire situation as you can.
Whatever you do, there WILL be some stress and resentment when you bring home a second child. The truth is, for many families, the stress and resentment will never completely go away – sibling rivalry is an extremely common phenomenon. So do your best to prepare your child, be understanding and supportive during her struggle to adjust, make it clear that he cannot hurt his sibling and that having a sibling is completely normal, and remember: struggles and challenges are part of life – the trick is to learn how to bounce back and keep going.
Photo by Dianna
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Very sound advice! Books and just talk about the “baby in the tommy” made a real difference in our case. And though she wasn’t the helper in the first few weeks, six months later, she nows take pride in helping us and her little brother.
I agree David – it took about six months in our case too for the tension to ease.