Okay, dude, she’s pregnant. Nice work. Assuming you’re gainfully employed, you’re looking real good with the in-laws about now. In fact, play your cards right here, and everybody’s about to like you more than ever before!
Everybody? Yes, everybody. Your parents will think you’ve matured, your in-laws will finally, and perhaps grudgingly, accept the notion that you’re going to be around for a while, and everyone else will let out a sigh of relief as they anticipate you mellowing to the point that you’ll stop getting so worked up over the little things in life.
But this isn’t going to be quite as easy as it seems. Seriously. Your life is about to change, no matter what you currently think. After two of my own, here’s a list of eleven realities of fatherhood that caught me off-guard (that’s right, this top ten list “goes to eleven”):
- When’s it going to be about me again? Most men are really boys at heart, and have as an aim in life to stay young as long as possible. Since young is really just a synonym for “grossly self-absorbed and immature,” parenthood is an awakening for many men, a sad realization that, well, frankly, it’s not about them anymore…it’s about the kid(s). It’s not about me anymore? Well, that was a surprise.
- I’m expected to change diapers? Gross. My dad never changed one. Literally, he never changed a single diaper. Me? Not quite so lucky. I don’t know what was more surprising, though, being expected to change diapers or realizing that it’s just not really that big of a deal.
- Can I just go back to sleep? Whether they keep you up late, wake you in the middle of the night, or are early risers, my days of sleeping ended the night my wife went into labor with our first child. No, I’m not partying with Amy Winehouse, I look like death because I sleep about 4.5 hours per night.
- Can I please get some privacy in the bathroom? Apparently not. I’m not sure when my master bathroom became a place for my family to convene, but it did. We have plenty of bathrooms in the house, but the entire family now uses just one. Yeah, I’ll be out in a minute…literally.
- Why do we even bring more than one plate to the table? Everyone wants what’s on mine. It doesn’t really matter, though, since my plate generally goes unattended while I fetch napkins, more juice, silver ware, or anything else that’s needed. I thought kids forced me to grow up, until I realized that I was waiting tables again.
- Who knew my mother-in-law had so many opinions? She does. And, no, rubbing rum on my baby’s gums isn’t really an appropriate response to anything. It does explain, though, why my wife is always ordering rum drinks.
- Spongebob Squarepants is actually entertaining? On second thought, maybe I don’t have to grow up!
- Why is it that my bare feet are such good Lego detectors? Ouch. Seriously, my new vision of hell involves me barefooted in a dark room full of Legos. I’ll never forgive Denmark for this.
- What? I couldn’t hear you over the din of three simultaneous monologues, especially while I was trying to follow the baseball game. When did it get so loud in my house?
- Why doesn’t it feel as strange as it would seem to wear a tiara while drinking imaginary tea in a room with pink walls? And why didn’t I resist when my daughter asked me to paint the walls pink? How could I?
- How did my parents do this? They made it seem easier than it is. I can only hope that my children someday think the same thing about me. Maybe it skips a generation, though; maybe my kids will say, “geez, it isn’t nearly as hard as they made it look.”
